Archive for June, 2011

Man Frequents Club K1 to Break Religious Spirit

Posted: June 27, 2011 in Uncategorized

Nairobi, Ngara — Njeru George felt he was being influenced by a religious spirit, making him judgmental and closed-minded, so he began visiting a local club to celebrate his freedom in Christ.

“A religious spirit won’t go near a bar, so I’m safe in there,” he says downing a second Guinness seated at “sina tabu”

Church members say George has stopped showing up for weekday prayer meetings since he started battling his “demon of legalism.” What began as a spiritual housecleaning has become a full-fledged hobby.

During this year Main Campus Christian Union associates Sunday Njeru dint show up and he has never missed since he graduated 2007.

“He would always perform one or two songs and pledge to cover expenses of one missioner to years mission field” Said Mutembei a close friend.

At the club, George who goes by facebook name Georgie Mac’Njeru appears untroubled.

“I used to live by ‘don’t taste, don’t touch.’ Now it’s pass the beer nuts and who’s up for a game of pool?” he says. “That religious spirit takes it on the chin every time I’m here.” •

NOTE-This is a Christian Satirical post events are all fictional.


Nonini Heals Hundreads

Posted: June 16, 2011 in Uncategorized

Nairobi — Jane, 43, University of Nairobi Physics lecturer who has been confined to a wheelchair for much of her adult life, came to hear Genge artist Nonini speak at the University of Nairobi about Albino condition in national Albinism Day and afterward she found herself in a wheelchair access breezeway as Nonini and his entourage exited the Taifa hall. The Artist spotted her, came over, grabbed her hand and pulled her up. She found herself standing for the first time in eleven years.

“He smiled at me and said, ‘Uskonde mami,’” she says. “I was so stunned I didn’t know what to do.”

Fatu a leading Kenyan blogger has been having weird dreams of ghosts chasing her asking for water after watching Rango, went to Noninis home at night requested just to touch his pants and guess what? Nightmares stopped.

Jane and Fatu are among many people who claimed being healed by the Artist. We don’t talk about it a lot, but yeah, it does happen, “says one bodyguard who says he has seen multiple people healed. “We don’t know exactly how or why it’s happening, and Nonini won’t talk about it. He usually insists that people keep it quiet and just report it to their pastor or priest.”

Greeting fans after a performance in Eldoret , Nonini stepped into the dense crowd and spontaneously began touching people: a legally blind woman, a man deaf in one ear, a cancer sufferer and a lame man.

“Muskonde watu wangu!” Nonini said as he laid hands on afflicted bodies.

The people’s reactions were so joyous as to be almost frightening. They jumped and shouted and wept. Before they could thank or embrace the Artist, he was well down healing others.

His close associates who refer to him as “Agent N” and believe he is Gods secret agent, acknowledge that the phenomenon is occurring with greater frequency.

“His power goes beyond simple inspiration,” says friend. “There is something developing here that I’m not sure any of us fully understands.”

They say Nonini has told them privately that his time has not yet come, so it would be inappropriate to talk about the healings right now. He says he will wait until the appointed time to speak publicly about the “special calling” he believes he has to lead the youths and prepare for the second coming.

They do expect him to talk about “the providential nature of what is happening on the shows” in an upcoming address, mostly because word is getting around.

People have begun bringing relatives by the score to shows in hopes of a healing touch.

A leaked email gave details of a conference call between Jesus, Vatican, Whitehouse and Kenyan leading churches that concluded every church to give two of its prayer warriors to be standing in the gap for Nonini.

His close friends suspecting he might ask them the million Dolla question “whom do people say I am?” voted several prophets like, “one of the two witness in revelation”, Samson, Enock…. Kamangu received only one vote.

“It’s people wanting to get better, and wanting their friends and relatives to get better. It’s the belief that there’s something more here.” • Hagelin Kiprop Ronoh who is one of the “secret” intercessors said in a telephone interview.

NOTE: This is a Christian satirical post, events are all fictional.

Pastor Turns Church To Uji Kienyeji Classic Joint.

Posted: June 6, 2011 in Uncategorized

Nairobi, Westlands— Westlands Metro Church, which used its Uji kienyeji joint to attract visitors to its Mega church in the Westland area, has decided to abandon ministry altogether to focus on Uji Kienyeji and snacks.

“People liked the Uji a lot better than the ministry, according to congregational surveys, so we’re practicing what we preached and focusing on our strengths,” says former teaching pastor and now chief marketing officer, Douglas Barasa

“The sermons were okay, but the Uji is a killer,” says one woman who regularly attended the church for two years so she could enjoy the special brews. “I even brought my neighbors and they loved them” Many in the congregation seem downright relieved.

The staff of Westands Metro Church began noticing last year that more money was coming in through the Uji than in the offering.

“People complimented us about the Kienyeji Uji but didn’t really mention the preaching” says Barasa. “After feeling disappointed, we got realistic about it and realized God was telling us where to put our efforts. Now crowds are up and many former members are flourishing”

“Who knew I was so gifted at making Uji?” says the former head usher Wanjau

The church’s small groups have been turned into neighborhood reading clubs, with some reading Christian titles and others following the program mapishi on local TV station for recommendations.

People in the surrounding neighborhoods say they are far more likely to stop by now. One man who came occasionally says he feels less guilty standing around the Uji counter now that there is no service taking place.”Before, we had to sit through the service and pay our dues,” he says. “Now we go right to the good stuff — two calabash full”

The staff also feels liberated now that the pressure of ministry is off.

“The best way to be relevant is to give people what they want,” says Barasa. “In our case, that’s porridge drink.” •

NOTE:This is a Christian satirical post, names used are real persons but events are fictional.

Huyu Dame

Posted: June 5, 2011 in Uncategorized

Huyu Dame

She is the reverse of all dry things,
Like rain she makes deserts crazy,
With them flowers when they wanna sleep.

iSwear to be surrounded by her beauty,
Kwa crib between piano and jikoni,
I can see the footprints of a queen.

And when all is rolled away to the hills,
Without sunrise, without even drinks,
Lantern lit memories brings smile.