Archive for August, 2010

Pastor apologizes for “KUBAFU” phrase

Posted: August 12, 2010 in Uncategorized

Nairobi– Pastor Maakini who spelled the phrase “KUBAFU” (silly in Swahili) in his five-point outline last Sunday, has apologized to his Thinner road baptist congregation.
“I should have looked it over more carefully,” he says. “It was late Saturday night when I finished. I’m sorry.”
His five points, based on the story of Abraham, were:
• Knowing your calling
• Understanding it
• Becoming responsible
• Allowing God to use you
• Finding your gifts and talents
• Using them

Plenty of people were offended.
“When I realized what he was spelling, I flipped over my outline so my son wouldn’t see it,” says Kemunto 46. The message of the sermon was lost on her, she says.
But others say it’s not the first time “unintentional” acrostics have popped up lately. Maakini, they suspect, is telegraphing his deep-rooted dissatisfaction.
“He spelled “NYANGAU” one Sunday and “ISHIENI” the next, and apologized for those, too,” says one woman. “He’s getting little kicks out of it.” •

NOTE-This is a Christian Satirical post names and events are all fictional.


Why Kenyan Christian Should Drink Tusker

Posted: August 6, 2010 in Uncategorized

I was chillaxing with one member of our church, name withheld, a beer-loving I.T guru working for a firm in Westlands Nairobi and “part-time Christian,” who tells me that he finally agreed to read Proverbs 31 with girlfriend Rehanna and feels glad he did.

“I’m a Proverbs 31 boyfriend and a husband to be all right,” he said, then quotes Proverbs 31:6-7: “Give beer to those who are perishing, wine to those who are in anguish; let them drink and forget their poverty and remember their misery no more.”

“That’s my permission to crack open a cold one for the road,” he said having one while we hanged out at Choma Zone watching referendum votes being tallied on Citizen TV.

But his Chic Rehanna, a newly appointed Choir cordinator at our church is pushing him hard to stop drinking. She insists he is neither “perishing” nor “in anguish.” But he researched the Bible on the Internet and found 2 Corinthians 4:16 and 5:2 which say, “Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day,” and “Meanwhile we groan, longing to be clothed with our heavenly dwelling.”

“Everyone is perishing and in anguish, especially here in Kenya with greedy MPigs adding themselves hefty pay, KRA on our backs and all shit happening around, stuff ’bout Onyancha sijui nini nini nini!” he says. “Until we’re delivered from these bodies, the Bible says to drink up.”

That’s when I got this ingenious idea that Christians should create a “Proverb 31” category in their monthly budget and under it list Tusker in brackets.

I want to start a proverb 31 Men’s Group fellowship thingie on Facebook and Twitter and see how we gonna roll, am thinking we search extensively in the bible to see weather we shall see names like Amario and birds flying stuff …many things in that book are in parables, you never know what secret lies un discovered right there!

“Dont get me started on Jesus passion for kanywaji when he turned water into wine …first miracle my guy..I tell you” He said

NOTE: This is a Christian satirical post, names and events are all fictional. 😀